|"It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it."
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Heavenly Humour" is a collection of church and family humour, and almost all of the
material here is squeaky-clean. In fact, this collection started out when I decided to compile
the jokes and quotations for use as fillers in the days when I prepared Sunday Bulletins for
three rural Canadian churches.
Many years ago, in the course of searching for jokes, I posted requests on several Internet
news groups for squeaky-clean stories suitable for use in church bulletins. Beady little eyes all
over the world must have lit up when they read these postings. With the relative anonymity of
the Internet, they saw it as a chance to "zing" a priest. Some of the stories that came in were
pretty raunchy. However, I'm not a priest, and I found some of the stories quite funny, but
definitely not what I was looking for!
Many of the Internet stories were discarded. A few were used in the bulletins, and quite a few
more, while not quite suitable for bulletin use, were acceptable for this collection as stories
suitable for public occasions and mixed company.
Some of the zingers were on the border line of taste relative to the restrictions placed on this
collection, but if I found them funny, I filed them and they have been included here.
There was once an elderly gent who had an incredible knack of predicting the future. When people asked him how he
did this, he claimed that he had regular conversations with God, and God would tell him what would happen. One
fellow, wanting to have a little fun, asked the old man, "Can you tell me if I will go to Heaven?"
The old man said that he would bring up the subject that evening and try to get an answer for him. A couple of days
later, they met again, and the fellow asked if he had an answer to his question. The elderly gent responded, "Well, yes,
but there is some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that yes, you will go to Heaven."
The fellow smiled, and asked, "And the bad news?"
The old man replied, "They're expecting you this Thursday."
Three preachers enjoyed a chicken dinner on the farm of a parishioner. After the meal, the farmer took them for a tour
of the farm. Seeing a rooster with his head lifted high, one minister remarked, "That fellow's pretty cocky, isn't he?"
The farmer's teenage son who had been following them around exclaimed, "You'd be cocky too if you'd just had three
sons enter the ministry!"
A minister noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a dog of doubtful pedigree. "What are you doing, my little
men?" he asked, with fatherly interest.
"Swappin' lies, mister," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells the biggest one gets the pup."
"That's shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age, I never even thought of telling an untruth."
"You win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister."
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a Monsignor, said the first proud
woman. When he enters a room, people say, `Hello, Monsignor.'"
The second mother went on, "My son is a Bishop. When he enters a room, people say, `Hello, Your Excellency.'"
"My son is a Cardinal," continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, `Hello, your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother, whose son was the rector of a rural parish, though for a moment. "My son is six foot eleven inches
and weighs 330 pounds," she said with a smile. "When he enters a room, people say, `Oh, my God!'"
A Texas oilman died and went to heaven. After a few days, his bragging was getting on Saint Peter's nerves. No matter
what part of paradise he was shown, the oilman claimed it failed to measure up to Texas. Finally Saint Peter took him
to the edge of heaven so he could look straight into hell. "Have you got anything like that in Texas?" the saint
"No," the oilman replied, "But I know some ol' boys down in Houston who can put it out."
A minister had a live television program aimed at children in which he would relate several bible stories. On one
program, he misjudged his time, and launched into a new story. "There once was a prophet named Elisha. One day as
he walked along a path up a mountainside, he met some boys who threw stones at him."
At this point, he glanced up and saw the frantic floor director giving him the "cut" signal, followed immediately by the
"10 seconds to end of show" signal. As the floor director counted off the remaining seconds, the minister calmly
continued his story.
"Elisha said to the boys `If you keep on throwing stones at me, I'll set the bears on you and they'll eat you up.' And
they did, and he did, and the bears did. "
A chaplain was passing through the prison garment factory. "Sewing?" he asked a prisoner who was at work.
"No, chaplain," replied the prisoner gloomily, "reaping!"
A distinguished clergyman and one of his parishioners were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole
the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
middle of the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and slowly settled in a rut some four metres away. The clergyman glared
at the ball and bit his lip, but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Reverend,
that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
A young man confided to his priest that he and his wife had been trying unsuccessfully to have a much wanted family.
The priest said that he couldn't council them, because he was on urgent assignment to the Vatican and he was obliged to
depart for Rome within the hour. He promised, however, that he would pray for them, and when he got to Rome, he
would daily light a candle for them.
Five years later, he returned from Rome, and one of his first actions was to look up the young couple. He found the
wife, surrounded by her five children aged from newborn to five years old. The priest asked where her husband was.
"He's gone to the Vatican in Rome," the wife replied seriously.
"Whatever for?" enquired the startled priest.
"To blow out a candle!" grinned the wife.
This next story was one of those "zingers" that came from the Internet - somewhere in the Netherlands. While unsuitable
for a church bulletin, it might be fun in its proper time and place.
It's the last supper, and as everyone is finishing their meal, the bill is presented to Jesus. "Heavens above!" says Jesus,
"I can't afford this." He passes the bill to Peter.
"Good God", says Peter, "nor me" and passes the bill to Mark.
"Lord save us", says Mark, "not me either", and he passes the bill to Judas.
"Oh, yeah..." says Judas, "... and where am I supposed to find thirty pieces of silver?"
Three guys died and found themselves at the Pearly Gates, but St. Peter was temporarily away and could not admit
them. The guard at the Gate asked each to chose a place they always wanted to go, or something they always wanted to
be, and while they waited, their choice would be granted.
The first man wanted to fly like an eagle high over the Rockies. The second wanted to lounge on a sail boat in the South
Pacific. The third declared that he always wanted to be a stud. The guard looked puzzled for a moment, then smiled and
waved his hand. The three vanished.
Some time later, Saint Peter returned to the gate and wanted to know where the three were waiting. The guard said that
one was an eagle gliding over the Rockies, the second was on a sail boat in the South Pacific, and the third was a stud in
a tire somewhere in Virginia. -- Harold Reid, Bass Singer with the Statler Brothers on the Statler Brothers TV Show.
A thief breaks into a house and makes his way to the front room. Seeing a nice stereo television there, he decides to help
himself when suddenly from behind him, he hears a voice saying "I can see you and so can Jesus." He spins around but
there's no-one there. Puzzled, he decides to grab the TV and get out of the house. Suddenly, he hears the voice again. "I
can see you and so can Jesus". The thief knows he can't be imagining this now, so he races across the room and turns
on the light. There is still no-one there, but then he notices a cage in the corner with a sheet over it. He tip-toes
across the room and carefully lifts the sheet, to find a parrot.
The thief says, "Well, well! So that was you speaking, was it?
"Yes it was." replies the parrot.
"What's your name?" asks the thief.
Replies the parrot, "My name is Zechariah."
"That's a silly name for a parrot!" says the thief.
The parrot replies, "Not as silly as Jesus is for a Rottweiller!"
In Paris, a group of American tourists entered a large cathedral. Seeing a wedding in progress, one of the Americans
whispered to a Frenchman nearby, "Who's the groom?"
The native shrugged and said, "Je ne sais pas." (translation: " I don't know")
As the group continued through the cathedral, they came upon a funeral service. The American whispered to another
Frenchman, "Who died?"
The man replied, "Je ne sais pas."
"Wow," the American said, "he didn't last long, did he?"
"I know I'm nuts...but as long as I make 'em laugh they're not gonna lock me up." -- Red Skelton
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed
five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And
they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man,
"Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
If you want more of the same, click the "Heavenly Humour" button to open the PDF file of the complete collection.
Most jokes have many versions, and have been around in one form or another for decades or even centuries. It is
possible that you may find more than one version of the same story in this collection. These stories are in no particular
order. They get plugged in as I find them. Credits have been given for original stories where possible, and most
quotations have been attributed as well.
What follows is a small sampling of the collection. If you want to see all 117 pages of the collection, click the "Heavenly
Humour" button. That will open a PDF file that you can read or save to your computer.
There's a lot of clean reading for you here. Enjoy.